Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Grace Of God

I cannot even begin to describe what it has been like for me this last 7 months. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and in a personal hell. I never dreamed coming home from my mission would be so hard. I gave my ALL to the work and my God to serve Him in a pleasing manner. My heart will forever remain in those islands and so to get even a little of it back has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I was totally and completely lost when I came home. School had already started, and work was very unappealing because nothing could fulfill me in the way that I needed at the time. I felt empty and unmotivated. I am motivated by purpose, people and love and I had lost that to the greatest degree. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I found ways to cover up or be the band aid to the boil and rot that lied underneath. I idled away my time and days hoping that time would be the thing to make the hurt and heartache go away. What it did was only make it worse. I got involved with people that brought me down and slowly I was poisoned by degrees. I am in no way blaming my unhappiness and choices on others but it just compounded the issue.

I was vulnerable and Satan knew it and used bad things to make my bad situation even worse. By the end I found that I had let the great Sister Phillips go dormant. This was the greatest heartbreak of all. Leading up to and on my mission I discovered who I was and Co-created my life with God. I started to reach my potential that God has in store for me. I LOVED me, who I was, what I was doing, and all I had to offer. To see her slowly slip away was torture. It would have been almost better to not have seen what I could become, because seeing my reflection in the mirror and knowing I wasn't her right now, killed me. I wont go into the gory details of what has gone on, but what I will go on to say is that my testimony of the Atonement, sweet repentance, friends, family, prayer, scriptures, good music, clean thoughts and actions, desire, passion, purity, productivity, grace, mercy, communication, priesthood, example, leaders of the church, nature, school, work, trials....on and on I could go about what I have learned and how I have been strengthened but it is a personal journey and I have been blessed enough to share it with some of you.

Huge events have happened to bring about this great change. They have been some of the hardest of my life. All I can say is that I have felt my Savior take away or lessen each of the pains or aches that have come along with them. It is nothing short of a miracle all that has happened to me. I am proud to say that Sister Phillips is no longer dormant but very much alive and thriving. I am back and nothing has ever felt so good. It comes down to the little primary answers. Read, pray, serve, love, be clean and keep the commandments and all else will be given unto you. He grants us the desires of our hearts and as I do His will He has given me more than I deserve. I am growing everyday and feel His outpouring of grace on me continually. I opened the blinds this morning and the sun streamed in on my face. The warmth enveloped me and I was reminded of the Only Begotten Son, that warms our hearts and souls and both that offer life! I was overcome by the spirit and Gods love for me. Tears filled my eyes for the billionth time out of gratitude and thanks.

I am so beyond blessed I can hardly take it. I want to shout and share the joy that I feel. I know that no matter what is going on in our lives that if we are doing whats right, have the spirit, and be in good standing before God...then peace comes and nothing is better then that. I have so much. I am able to get an education and go into a field that will bring me joy by helping others. I have an amazing job where I help troubled girls feel Gods love for them by being a conduit and instrument to be an example of what healthy unconditional love means. My family is my rock and constant that makes me better and be true to all I have been taught. My friends are there for me through all this rooting me on and loving me no matter what. The gospel that is my foundation for all that I do. I would be NOTHING without the knowledge of the principles that bring me so much joy. I could go on and on but I wont. Regret is the worst thing in the world and yes I have some...but I'm so grateful that I can be forgiven and overcome. Life is hard, but how blessed are we that we don't have to do it on our own. God is good....I stand all amazed!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A little update and random thoughts!

Just a little update on me....Hmm, well after feeling like i fell off the face of the earth and didnt know which way was up... i finally feel like im getting my bearings. Being home has been the hardest thing i have ever done. I have never felt more useless and empty in my life. I know what i should be doing and how to do it but there is no fulfillment that follows like there was on the mission thus the lack of motivation needed to get things done. I am motivated by love and purpose and i feel like i lost all of that. As of late though i have moved out and feel like i am finding reason and purpose again. I am so deeply in love with my roommate Jessica. It never ceases to amaze me when you find a soul mate of sorts, the missing puzzle piece of your heart you never knew was missing in the first place. I meet people like her and it feels like a portion of my heart was placed in her to find. I worship her and we are SOOO much alike. My other roommate Sarah who is Jess's cousin who is in Cali for a month, i love too. Im excited for her to get back so we can all play. There is another one from England that i havent met yet.

Life is so crazy! I know all things are for a reason but man it is hard. I am so blessed to have people in my life who help me out through these hard times. I could not have gotten through any of this without my brother Tanny! He is my besty and i worship him. We are closer then we have ever been and im so grateful to get to claim him as mine. Also Alikan. He has been my friend through all of this supporting me, loving me, and being there when i needed a shoulder to cry on...yes i have cried a LOT! It all means more to me then i could ever express. My parents too. I know they wouldn't agree cause they feel i have pushed them away, but they are amazing and just want the best for me. I know they are SO frustrated with me right now, but they continue to be there for me and desire my happiness and success. I love them dearly.

I love my new ward and the people are amazing. I do NOT do well with change but i feel i am taking moving out in stride and doing pretty well actually. I have met some awesome people already and am excited to continue to cultivate relationships that will hopefully be lasting. I have made some big discoveries too about who i am and what my quirks are. I am one who is always looking inward to see what is going on and where i am emotionally and how i can improve. I love awareness. With that brings power to change. And we all know i have a lot to improve on....sigh! I know this is random but just some thoughts. It feels good to write a little bit.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


SO Bri forced me to make one of these...but i have to admit im stoked to finally catch up to the whole blogging idea. I will for sure write more later and fill you in on my adventure and best time of my life. Thank you all who supported and prayed for me. YEAH!